For thine is the kingdom, the power, and the glory, forever and ever, Amen

Wednesday, June 30, 2010

What is the truth? What are we supposed to know? How much are we supposed to know? When does God hold the reins and when does our human curiosity take charge? People will say "let God show you in His time." Well, what do I do in the meantime? Sit on my couch and watch the wall? Am I supposed to find something or try anything that might lead me in the right direction. God gave us free will. And yet I feel myself constantly looking back over my shoulder to make sure I'm doing something right or if I'm headed in the right direction. It's scary, always hoping to make the right move. And yes, there is that beautiful gift of salvation. Thank goodness. I would have dove off that cliff a long time ago without someone to catch me. Still, I peek around corners and looking up for constant reassurance. Most of the time it doesn't come easily. I'm afraid that going boldly sometime will lead to another mistake and I feel like I'm walking gingerly as it is. Yet, if I keep peeking around the corner, I suppose it means I have some faith/trust/hope for the future and for my relationship with God. Here's to that peeking becoming more confident steps!

None of us will ever accomplish anything excellent or commanding except when he listens to this whisper which his heard by him alone. -Ralph Waldo Emerson

The Nicene Creed

We believe in one God,
the Father, the Almighty,
maker of heaven and earth,
of all that is, seen and unseen

We believe in one Lord, Jesus Christ,
the only Son of God,
eternally begotten of the Father,
God from God, Light from Light,
true God from true God,
begotten, not made,
of one Being with the father;
through him all things were made.
For us and for our salvation
he came down from heaven,
was incarnate of the Holy Spirit and the virgin Mary
and became truly human.
For our sake he was crucified under Pontious Pilate;
he suffered death and was buried.
On the third day he rose again
in accordance with the scriptures;
he ascended into heaven
and is seated at the right hand of the Father.
He will come again in glory to judge the living and the dead,
and his kingdom will have no end.

We believe in the Holy Spirit, the Lord, the giver of life,
who proceeds from the Father and the Son,
who with the Father and the Son is worshiped and glorified,
who has spoken through the prophets.
We believe in one holy catholic and apostolic church.
We acknowledge one baptism for the forgiveness of sins.
We look for the resurrection of the dead,
and the life of the world to come.
Amen.

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Tuesday, June 29, 2010

I am chewing BubbleYum right now. Do you remember it? It's that huge chunk of gum that is sugar, gum paste and some flavoring. It takes a lot of effort to chew this thing. I feel like my teeth are going to rot out and die before the flavor is lost (and it will be lost soon, that's the life of the BubbleYum). It's already hardening. It does make some pretty fantastic bubbles, I have to say. I am a pro at blowing bubbles. You have to make sure the gum is flat and then you simply coax more out with your teeth until you have the most glorious sugar bubble you've ever seen and then it pops all over your face and you permanently have sugar up your nose.

Today has been one of those "Wow, I really accomplished nothing today and I feel rather worthless" days. I'm not trying to sound pathetic or anything, it just so happens that I did nothing more than take Stella to the vet, finish my laundry and make my bed. And then in a short while, I'll publish this post. It's funny that it's gotten popular. I started with about 6 religious readers (and most of them are relatives) and now people will start conversations with "so I read in your blog..." That's nice. I am semi-vain, as we all are and so it makes me feel nice to know that you, dear readers are out there, taking up some of your valuable time to read this rambling message to the nameless. Thanks.

P.S. Adding to the list...
1. Pelican flyer to re-establish pelicans displaced by the oil spill. (interesting)
2. The person who handles the calls about BubbleYum- see above. (would not like to do)
3. Cartographer- only in the drawing/writing/coloring part. No math or computers for me. (would like to do)

Let's eat PlayDoh cookies

Friday, June 25, 2010

I have a lot of books. I don't know if you can fully grasp that concept until I phrase it like this: You could be crushed to death with the books I own. There is no room on any of my bookcases (notice the plural use of that word) for anything other than books. It would take you years to get through them all. Things are piled up everywhere because my books take up all of the organizational space. I just have the insatiable desire to read and know more. Well, I suppose you could call it a re-discovered desire. But now I'm back and full speed ahead!

I read as if my life depends on it. I think my brain actually does. I prattle on with weird facts that I've picked up. Did you know that the Bible is the most shoplifted book in America? Or that Napoleon was afraid of cats and Freud had a deathly fear of ferns? Or that dueling is legal in Paraguay as long as both parties are registered blood donors? Probably not. But I do. I don't know why I retain these bits of knowledge or if they will ever be useful (not really so far). Probably about as useful as the way I collect quotes. Everyone has their oddities, so I suppose this is mine.

In other business, I am super excited about going to counsel at Camp St. Christopher in a few weeks. I worked on staff there for a summer in 2007 and now I'm going back again! Part of me is nervous because of my spiritual instability at the moment (am I really going to be a good leader for these high schoolers?) and part of me is excited to go back to a place that means so much to me, with people that mean so much to me. Maybe that will help to bring me back in a closer way to God. I hope. I can't wait to meet new people and work with high schoolers again. It's tough at that age (those ages), but hopefully I'll help someway, somehow. Although I get this feeling that they'll teach me. It always works out that way, doesn't it?

Hard times ahead

Monday, June 21, 2010

I think part of the reason why I respect other people's faiths so much is because I have so much difficulty with my own. Religion is hard. No matter who you're praying to or where your pew cushion faces, the committed person will still wrestle with theology (even if you agree with it), doctrine, people and, most of all, God. (Or gods). Sometimes I feel like I have a face-off with God at church: just you, me and the pew in between us. Though when it really comes down to it- you could smite that pew right out of the way.

I was sitting in the back of the church (Hannah, the Lutheran that she is, sits as far away from the pulpit as she possibly can) and throughout the service, I scowled at anything that might, in any form or fashion, be applied to me. The prayers in the middle of our church listed mental health and the people who suffer from it. I found myself not wanting anyone else's prayers or consideration, whether they knew I had this problem or not. Next time, just call my name out from the altar. I spent a lot of time scowling.

Life isn't easy so we spend a lot of time with our deities- we either berate them for the life they have given us or we just fling ourselves down and pray fervently for grace. I am blessed with the religion I have, angry as you may think I am with God. I know how lucky I am with Christ and how blessed my life is, even when it doesn't feel like it at all. The best part about being Lutheran (though you know how I love it so!) is the huge emphasis we have on the grace of God. I spend my week being secretly surly and then I can go to church on Sunday and right there at the beginning of the service, I say I'm sorry and that I humbly repent (I really do, I shouldn't be angry with God- He/She is GOD)... and whatdoyaknow but I am forgiven! Best plan ever. Thanks Jesus!

So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. -Willy Wonka

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Well things change. Let's make a list. Lists keep things in order, even when there is no order. Even if you don't number it. Well, I do say you have to keep it straight some way: numbers, letters, column. If none of the above, all you have are words. And that leaves you with just as much chaos as you started with.

A List Of Things That Change

1. I am not going to China. I am deeply disappointed with this. You have no idea. I have spent a ridiculous sum on a passport I will not use and I have a new REI travel organizer that I bought with the tags still on it in my room sitting by my feet and I have a pair of perfect Merrells for traveling that are supposed to be my birthday present stashed away in my parents room. Do not utter the word Beijing to me, make me look a cute panda, or take me near travel sized soap. I will hit you.
2. I am looking for a full time job. I am going to be a working woman. Again. Hopefully not at a restaurant this time. Tomorrow I am going to an inn and a bookstore. The second one is my dream job. At 21. Not completely, because I assume I will be working for minimum wage and stocking shelves all day, but seriously. Lauren + Books = Luv 4 Evr. It'd be a lot of words for a license plate, but maybe a bumper sticker. Say some prayers for that one. This leads me to...
3. I am a grown up. Finishing school (kind of). Finding a full time job. I'm a big kid. It's just now sinking in. I don't know if I'll be here in a year, or if I'll have gone off to save the world mission-style, but I'm growing up a lot faster than I thought I was going to. I guess most 21 year olds don't spend this year trying to figure out how they'll finish a semester, find a full time job, and conquer life with bipolar disorder.
4. Faith. Faith changes. I think maybe one day I could write a book. Hahaha, it would certainly have a motley amount of information to go in it, but that is probably why most authors are not publishing their great works at 21. (And if they do they are either brilliant, far superior in their writing capabilities, have better ideas and quite possibly belong to the classics and died at a very young age of tuberculosis or consumption. I have no desire whatsoever to die of consumption, so I will wait on my publishing time to save myself from an untimely death.) I have, however, started keeping titles. So when I am older and wiser, I can just tack on the books to the titles. A very good plan I think. My latest one is titled "When You Feel Like Throwing Rocks At God." It will be a book to help you through those times when you feel like throwing rocks at God because you feel like he keeps throwing rocks, pebbles in your shoes, stones, boulders at you and your life. This is mostly because I cannot find a book that that to help me out right now. So it's an aspiration. I see this as having a little faith that one day I might be on good terms with God and not throw rocks at his shiny halo. Living on a prayer, baby.
5. Habitat. I am currently living with my whole family. Our house doesn't seem big enough anymore. Don't take this the wrong way!!!!!!! I am not greedy for more acreage, a bigger room, an addition, a sunroom or a house that's better than our tidy little house that is perfect for five people. But maybe not for two people who just came home from college. We have all of that stuff that grows and is squeezed into our not very big rooms (at least not large enough for this space). Tension looms at certain points during the day when everyone is home. Not all of the time. Sometimes there isn't anyone to talk to at all. That can be nice. And sometimes everyone's talking. It's just that I am a reserved person, made even more so by my lovely disorder and to know that I could be by myself at any time would be an oddly thrilling feeling. Makes me miss campus housing. Who woulda thunk that I'd say that??

My realization for the day is:
My life is good, but it is not fun. I do not have fun.
It's rather pathetic really. I should have more fun, but I do not. Is it sad to say that a job would be more fun than my current life? It would. I'm sure it would. Let's get a job and we'll go from there.

Though I did see an add in the City Paper for a bikini contest at a bar. Could be fun. Might be too far of a leap from my reserved style. Maybe in July.
 
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