So much time and so little to do. Wait a minute. Strike that. Reverse it. -Willy Wonka

Thursday, June 17, 2010

Well things change. Let's make a list. Lists keep things in order, even when there is no order. Even if you don't number it. Well, I do say you have to keep it straight some way: numbers, letters, column. If none of the above, all you have are words. And that leaves you with just as much chaos as you started with.

A List Of Things That Change

1. I am not going to China. I am deeply disappointed with this. You have no idea. I have spent a ridiculous sum on a passport I will not use and I have a new REI travel organizer that I bought with the tags still on it in my room sitting by my feet and I have a pair of perfect Merrells for traveling that are supposed to be my birthday present stashed away in my parents room. Do not utter the word Beijing to me, make me look a cute panda, or take me near travel sized soap. I will hit you.
2. I am looking for a full time job. I am going to be a working woman. Again. Hopefully not at a restaurant this time. Tomorrow I am going to an inn and a bookstore. The second one is my dream job. At 21. Not completely, because I assume I will be working for minimum wage and stocking shelves all day, but seriously. Lauren + Books = Luv 4 Evr. It'd be a lot of words for a license plate, but maybe a bumper sticker. Say some prayers for that one. This leads me to...
3. I am a grown up. Finishing school (kind of). Finding a full time job. I'm a big kid. It's just now sinking in. I don't know if I'll be here in a year, or if I'll have gone off to save the world mission-style, but I'm growing up a lot faster than I thought I was going to. I guess most 21 year olds don't spend this year trying to figure out how they'll finish a semester, find a full time job, and conquer life with bipolar disorder.
4. Faith. Faith changes. I think maybe one day I could write a book. Hahaha, it would certainly have a motley amount of information to go in it, but that is probably why most authors are not publishing their great works at 21. (And if they do they are either brilliant, far superior in their writing capabilities, have better ideas and quite possibly belong to the classics and died at a very young age of tuberculosis or consumption. I have no desire whatsoever to die of consumption, so I will wait on my publishing time to save myself from an untimely death.) I have, however, started keeping titles. So when I am older and wiser, I can just tack on the books to the titles. A very good plan I think. My latest one is titled "When You Feel Like Throwing Rocks At God." It will be a book to help you through those times when you feel like throwing rocks at God because you feel like he keeps throwing rocks, pebbles in your shoes, stones, boulders at you and your life. This is mostly because I cannot find a book that that to help me out right now. So it's an aspiration. I see this as having a little faith that one day I might be on good terms with God and not throw rocks at his shiny halo. Living on a prayer, baby.
5. Habitat. I am currently living with my whole family. Our house doesn't seem big enough anymore. Don't take this the wrong way!!!!!!! I am not greedy for more acreage, a bigger room, an addition, a sunroom or a house that's better than our tidy little house that is perfect for five people. But maybe not for two people who just came home from college. We have all of that stuff that grows and is squeezed into our not very big rooms (at least not large enough for this space). Tension looms at certain points during the day when everyone is home. Not all of the time. Sometimes there isn't anyone to talk to at all. That can be nice. And sometimes everyone's talking. It's just that I am a reserved person, made even more so by my lovely disorder and to know that I could be by myself at any time would be an oddly thrilling feeling. Makes me miss campus housing. Who woulda thunk that I'd say that??

My realization for the day is:
My life is good, but it is not fun. I do not have fun.
It's rather pathetic really. I should have more fun, but I do not. Is it sad to say that a job would be more fun than my current life? It would. I'm sure it would. Let's get a job and we'll go from there.

Though I did see an add in the City Paper for a bikini contest at a bar. Could be fun. Might be too far of a leap from my reserved style. Maybe in July.

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