A moratorium on production

Wednesday, July 28, 2010

I just had the sudden feeling that life and time was wooshing by me. Perhaps it is. Perhaps I am doing nothing but languishing in self-centeredness. I've been so caught-up in living day-to-day, that I no longer see anything beyond tomorrow. I am not looking forward to anything. I look forward to indeterminable deadlines- things that I want to do or wish to accomplish, like finding a job or moving out. I search for feelings I want to have, like feeling happy or full of faith or grounded. And so I search, day after day looking for something that I might not accomplish that day or that week. I read, I volunteer, I go to the library, I search for jobs, write letters, occasionally see friends. I feel like I'm always waiting on something. Not that I sit around all of the time, or don't work for what I want. I just do it and keep waiting. If someone asked me what I'm doing with my life, I couldn't answer the question. I have the same feeling that I do when Lent is going on. Are the 40 days over yet?

Jesus answered him, 'It is said, "Do not put the Lord your God to the test."' -Matthew 4:7. God, I am trying, I am really trying hard not to put you to the test. I'm wondering why you are testing me. I guess I have to wait for that answer too.

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