Letting it all sink in... slowly, very slowly

Thursday, March 24, 2011

So it's been a week now and I've been very busy, spending my time either overthinking my rejection or ignoring it completely. Still haven't come up with a plan for what I want to do next, but I'll figure something out eventually. I've also got this interesting conversation going on with God. It starts out "Hey, Almighty One/Holy of Holies/God/Father/Lord/King of Kings/Insert Preferred Title Here, I know you're kinda busy dealing with natural disasters, judging people once they die (which natural disasters kinda create a backlog), fighting the Devil daily, and dealing with everyone else's problems, but... 1. Why can't I go abroad with YAGM next year? 2. If you don't want me to do that, what do you want me to do? 3. People keep saying that you will reveal your will in your own time. I know that Your time is different from our time (and clearly, you have a lot more of it), but consider that I only have about 80 more years IF I'M REALLY LUCKY AND DON'T PLAY IN TRAFFIC left before I'm going to become one more soul in the aforementioned line up of judgement. 4. So please hurry up. 5. I know a big booming voice from heaven would probably send me into shock, an angel would make me scream so loud I'd wake the neighborhood, and a burning bush is just simply a fire hazard, but some sort of sign would be really useful. But if you want to face the fire hazard, send an angel to relay a message, or speak directly to me, I wouldn't be opposed. However, you might want to attach a note to the burning bush, because I'm not quite sure what that would mean for me, considering none of my family members are enslaved or live in Egypt. But really, anything visually or auditory that's explicit in your will and desire for my vocation life would be really awesome."

That's really all I've got so far. I'm not really expecting a booming voice, but hey, it's happened before. I know it's probably not how God want's me to feel, but I'm feeling like my life is a checklist of Lessons Learned. I'm just waiting for the practical application part. And I am really really really tired of the waiting. Patience is not a virtue that I possess. Well, not long term patience. I know, I've been through a lot in the past 4 years. Major Depression diagnosis, Bipolar diagnosis, in school, out of school, then repeat those last two over and over again, death of Namie, death of Aunt Tina, loss of job, 4 botched attempts at getting out of the country (2 Iona, 1 school, 1 YAGM), various illnesses, allergies and trips to the ER- really, quite the roller coaster. So now I'm feeling the "if not this, that, that or that over there, then what am I supposed to do?" Look, don't get me wrong. I'm happy with the life I have. I am blessed beyond belief. The whole bipolar thing sucks, but I have awesome parents, I have health insurance, I have a great doctor and an incredible therapist, I have a job that I like and allows me to save money, I have the best little sisters in the world, I have the most amazing group of friends, a church family that loves me, an extended family that loves me, I'm medically and medicinally stable, healthy (other than that bipolar thing), and all of that good stuff. I just have this feeling inside that it's time to move on. Maybe not tomorrow, but within the next year (or sooner if possible), I'd like to move on to a new chapter in my life. School or a job that allows me to support myself, something like that. That's not a completely crazy thought. I just have to figure out what that might be. Until then, I wait.

That sentence sounds familiar.

Reading: Fluke by Christopher Moore. Buying: underwear, a gallon of milk, and Peeps. Dreams: too vivid for comfort. Have they determined that dreams sometimes mirror your subconscious? If so, I am totally screwed. Wearing: A t-shirt with a green dino that says "carnivore" at the bottom and my favorite jeans. Mad at: Eve. Pretty sure "pangs in childbearing" (Gen 3:16) also meant pangs in menstruation. Damn these cramps. Curses on you Eve for doing this to me!! Don't: take apples from snakes. Thought for the day: Sadness in life is predictable. It is the joy in life that is unexpected, and thus all the more wonderful and sacred. Quote for the day: Living is a form of not being sure, not knowing what next or how... we guess. We may be wrong, but we take leap after leap in the dark. -Agnes de Mille. Scripture for the day: "For who is God, but the LORD? And who is a rock, except our God? He equipped me with strength and made my way blameless. He trains my hands for war, so that my arms can bend a bow of bronze. You have given me the shield of your salvation, and your right hand supported me, and your gentleness made me great. You gave a wide place for my steps under me, and my feet did not slip." Psalm 18:31-36. Movie: Life As We Know It. Song: "Kingdom Come" by Coldplay. Time: to go to bed.

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