Honesty is not the best policy.

Thursday, April 7, 2011

Well today royally sucked.

I'm sorry, I wish there was a nicer way to put it, but there's not. I could probably make it worse if I wanted to, but I won't put you through that. It's been a long day, but I just can't get these thoughts out of my mind. It's one of those things where it's been too painful to talk much about and too hard to keep bottled up inside. By now, anyone who reads this regularly knows that I'm bipolar. On this blog, it's no secret. To me, most of you are anonymous. I see the stats about readers- where they are, how often this is read. One day I got 90 hits- on one post. The total number of reads in the last month and a half is more than the number of friends I have on facebook. And you don't even know my last name. So there are a lot of you who don't know me in my life. To the people who do know about this blog and know me, they know that being bipolar is not something I advertise. It's got a heavy stigma and I hate explaining, so it's a secret to many of the people in my life. On this blog, I have a chance to talk about it without the weird looks from people- some people you tell them and if they don't know me well, they give a little start and then have this look in their eye like "you're not going to freak out on me and go all psycho at any moment are you?" If they do know me, they're surprised at the diagnosis. For the past year, I've been very normal. I've never missed a day of work because of a bad day, I either don't have them or I suck it up and pretend. A few people at work know I am bipolar, but those that do just treat me like any other person. They know that I'm just me. They see me as Lauren, not as a diagnosis. Sure, I have a file folder on my disorder that's almost two inches thick. But I know how to live my life. I struggle at school, that's true. But I'm also a great friend, there when you need me and I'll wake up at 4 am if you need me. My faith is unwavering throughout it all. Sure, I'm not perfect all of the time. My sainted, wonderful mother and most awesome father have dealt with yelling matches and fits of uncontrollable sobs when my life feels uncontrollable. There's a lot that I deal with.

Sometimes the people I'm close to forget that this is something I have to control every day. My meds only work so far- the other half (or whatever percentage) is up to me. Everyday I wake up and I fight it. This... thing will always be in my head. I'll be 89 and be bipolar. It won't go away. I wake up, I fight for my days, and it's a full time job. My parents wonder why I sleep so much. Being me is exhausting! Haha, odd to say, but it's true. But after 3 years, I've accepted it. I have Bipolar Disorder NOS. I am not Bipolar Disorder NOS. That's not me- it's just something I have.

Anyway, what spurred all of this talking about the thing I hate so much to talk about is that today I found out why I was not chosen for YAGM. I'll give you one guess. You're right! Behind Door #1, the only door, is "Sorry Lauren, you have bipolar disorder and we don't think you're ready to take this on." What really gets my goat is a few things. Actually, they got several of my goats. The first is that they didn't bother to tell me in the terse email they sent me, informing me of my rejection. The second is that they didn't even bother to ask. They didn't ask me if they thought I was ready. Seriously? If I didn't think I was ready and could handle it, I wouldn't have applied. They didn't ask for a letter from my psychiatrist or therapist. They did not look any further into the one thing that they thought was holding me back from this job. The reason I am kicking myself: It's my fault. I was honest and told the truth about being bipolar. On the other end of the line, the director seemed totally okay with it and just wanted to know more about it; said it would be fine. Apparently not. I told one of my coworkers. I thought I saw smoke come out of her ears. She uttered one word: discrimination. Amen, sister friend. Third goat: "We want to keep in touch and want you to reapply again." Well, I haven't heard anything from you and I can't put my life on hold for another year. I wanted this for years. This time the timing worked out, or so I thought. That's why I applied. I'm not going to go to school for a year, quit again, and try to go abroad. I want some sort of structure. I like structure and plans.

Look, I hate feeling like I'm harping on this. I just need to get it out of my system. I promise, in a few weeks, I'll be back to normal. Some Bible passages, a religious rant or two, some more crafty activities, and another plan for what to do. I have been here before. This one just really hurts.

I came up with a little idea. I don't know why you read this blog. Maybe you're my family and you want to know my innermost thoughts. Maybe you like when I put up pictures of stuffed sharks. I have noticed that there are very few comments. I'm thinking (and I could be wrong) that perhaps there are a few of you who have bipolar disorder of some form or another or another diagnosis similar to it (depression, mood swings, anxiety, etc)- I've had almost all of them at some time or another. I have set up an email address: faith.macaroni@yahoo.com. Please email me if you ever want to talk about being bipolar, living with someone who is bipolar, think you might be bipolar, have depression, are working through school or a job with bipolar disorder and you just need someone to talk to about it. No fees, no professional counseling (just personal experiences), just me letting you talk to me about whatever it may be. This email can also be used for anything regarding to this blog. Crafts that I make, religious rants I go off on- feel free to email. I just thought that some of you might be happier with something a little more anonymous. I'm sorry I didn't think of it earlier! Obviously just because I bear my soul on this blog it doesn't mean that you want to! So yeah... the email is up and running and feel free to use it.

So God's peace, people of the world. I hope you're happy and safe tonight and have a great day tomorrow (today- I have got to go to bed earlier). Love you all! - Lauren

By the way I'm thinking of changing my subtitle to "Just some thoughts on God, faith in general, and my bipolar life." Thoughts?

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