Awake, and not so ready to greet the new day

Tuesday, September 27, 2011

Well it's 6:02 am and I am wide awake. Really, so awake I'm starting to get hungry. My brain just won't shut off. That's it, tomorrow I go to the health center and I am getting something to make me sleep. Something very strong. I had another sinking feeling tonight. Thoughts about what to do about it: burrow through my mattress and straight into the ground, live under my desk for a few days, refuse to acknowledge any life outside of my cinderblock walls, move to another country and now I want to switch my major to genetics to try and figure out what the hell is wrong with me. Dear brain, will you pretty please stop screwing up my life and just allow me to function like a normal person? Everyone close to me keeps saying that it's so much better that I've figured it out early, they're so glad I've told them, that I've caught it before it's too late. But what the hell? It's WORSE. It is SO MUCH WORSE knowing what is going on. Living hell. I see it, I recognize it and I can't do anything about it. You know what? I'd rather go on and be COMPLETELY AND TOTALLY OBLIVIOUS to the mass that is swirling around in my brain. Then I wouldn't feel so crummy about not being able to do anything about it. I feel helpless. Good news: Thomas is coming up Thursday. Can't wait to see him again. He's a ray of sunshine in a dismal darkness. That sounded like bad poetry, but it's the gosh-honest truth. I love him. I dare this Bipolar thing to try and change that. Love indeed does conquer all. Bad news: It's 6:19 and I'm still awake. Off to hide under the covers until the need for sleep overpowers my hyperactive brain. Write later. -L

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