Honesty, total, brutal, and complete

Wednesday, October 26, 2011

It's 3:57 am. I should not be awake right now. I had a dream during a nap this afternoon where we were in inter-galactic warfare and someone appointed me as General and let's be honest, I don't want to have one of those freaky days where the dream continues. I woke up from the sheer stress of it. There were very large missiles and lots of smelly and unwashed men. I have no desire to return to that.

I had a topsy-turvy day and I am very stressed out. I keep flitting back and forth between pacing outside my house in the cold, sinking into the floor being depressed, writing letters, buying groceries, checking the mail- anything, just anything to keep me from going back to that depressed state I despise so much. Part of it is because I am kind of freaking out. And my life is turning into a list. I shall explain.

I am freaking out about college. I show up at my advisor's office, also my NT professor this semester, fully prepared with my schedule outlined down to the times of the class and exactly what I want to take. We start to talk because I've been fairly honest with him this semester about how things are going and what is going on. He wonders if I can do 16 hours next semester. I wonder that too. I don't know what I can accomplish anymore. I wonder if I'll ever be good at anything ever again. It's a depressing thought, but not that far off. What if this is how my life is going to be? What if I am stuck in a state of mediocrity because this is just "how it is"? Am I forced to reckon with this every day? Is that what it is? Wake up and my thoughts today are how am I going to live my life and accomplish what I want to do today while I also work on how to keep my Bipolar Disorder in check so I don't freak myself and everyone around me out? Seriously? Is that the way it's going to be?


I don't want to live in a state of forced mediocrity. I want to do my work and get As. That's what I do. I get As. Until now. Now I just satisfy myself with passing. Passing. Scraping by. I'm going to spend the rest of my scraping. Depressing. What am I doing here at Clemson? Am I forcing myself to have a life I think I should have? I don't know that I'm doing this degree for myself anymore. I just don't feel like I belong anywhere. I'm not good enough for school, waitressing drives me nuts, but then what? What the hell am I doing? I'm wandering around, going through the motions, trying to help people when I can't even get through the day. I'm like a shell of my former self. Or a hologram- lifelike but not real.

And so my life turns into a list of things to do. Classes, assignments, grocery shopping (am I eating enough meat, did I get my veggies, must eat regular meals), driving home, getting a haircut, make sure Hannah meets Thomas, go to Madison's confirmation. I have to go to class, I have to complete assignments, I need to eat something, I must drive (but I hate it), must get my hair cut (for I am the definition of scraggly), Hannah should probably know the guy I'm in love with, and I want to celebrate Madison's confirmation. Why are the exciting things like chores? I want to celebrate. I want to have fun. Why can't I? Unfortunately for me and for my father, who thinks it's a little simpler than it is, I can't just change my feelings. No pulling myself up, even if I want to. My life is a list and I am a shell.

And my thoughts about God... I know that I wrote a week ago "Don't shut Him out." I'm not shutting him out. It's like we're both in a room, but I'm sitting in the corner and looking at Him out of the corner of my eye. I thought I trusted him, but now I'm viewing him the way I would a person I'm trying to keep an eye on. I'm not engaging him. No battle. No happiness. No praising. Just two people in an empty room, and I'm the one pretending to ignore him. It's an uncomfortable situation and I feel bad about it. Add that to the list.

I woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
I thought of you and where you'd gone,
Let the world spin madly on.
And everything that I'd said I'd do
Like make the world brand new
And take the time for you.
I just got lost
And slept right through the dawn
And the world spins madly on.
I've let the day go by.
I'd always say goodbye.
I watch the stars from my windowsill.
The whole world is moving,
and I'm standing still.
I woke up and wished that I was dead
With an aching in my head
I lay motionless in bed
The night is here,
The day is gone.
I thought of you and where you'd gone
And the world spins madly on
And the world spins madly on
And the world spins madly on
and on and on and on
-"The World Spins Madly On" The Weepies

The more I listen to it, the more I feel it. Not that I wish I was dead, but sometimes I want to disappear. I guess I should go to bed, set my alarm to do assignments, pretend like I care, wish that parts of my life were different. I should change the name of this blog to something like "Really Depressing Thoughts, be prepared to end up feeling dejected when you're done reading this." My honesty isn't uplifting. What am I offering anyone?


  1. Don't feel bad about posting this. You are offering people who care an opportunity to pray intelligently (I think I've chosen the right word) for you. And He IS there 'in the room with you'.