Let's get this out of the way first: sorry about the promise of the 12 days of Christmas. It was rather silly of me to think I could post something every day with Christmas itself, a trip, planning a wedding, and, in general, being a very forgetful person. I will say that I have been celebrating Christmas every day as I promised. I've just also been very busy. I shall keep celebrating until Epiphany. Hope you do the same.
So I'm up at 4:12 am. Weird meds have me on a very odd sleep cycle, much to the dismay of all around me. They think it would be better if I slept whist it was still dark outside, rather than do all the the things I do (email, blogging, reading, crafting, etc) at night. So I sleep when it's light outside, I'm okay with that. Mostly okay with that because at the moment I am unemployed and planning a wedding. No, that's not the reason. I'm okay with that because I feel relatively healthy and if the only side effect that shows I'm not completely normal is being awake at hours where it feels the whole world is asleep, then I'm down with that. I actually feel safer. I also feel more protective- I like being awake when I know my dog is asleep in the garage beneath me, that my sister softly (well, sometimes loudly) talks in her sleep, that if I'm really quiet, I can hear my dad snore and my mom turn off the lights. It makes me feel at peace, and that is when I am most calm.
I am quite excited to be marrying my best friend in 40 days. I was at his apartment today and when I needed to take a nap, he turned out the lights, tucked me in his bed and let me sleep for almost two hours. No pestering to do something. Just let me sleep and woke me up when it was time for dinner. We've been slowly moving things from my room to his house. Boxes of books, clothes, artwork, small pieces of furniture have come to make what was something distinctly his into something that feels more like home to me. Art is hanging on the walls (do you know how satisfying it is to bang a nail into a wall and hang something on it??? I had no idea.) and furniture is being assembled. I have a dresser. We have a file cabinet for important papers now- how grown up! But with every picture I hang, every book I leave, it feels more like home and harder for me to leave each time. Yes, we are that gooey couple who never wants to leave the other's side. Other than nap time. And sometimes we take naps together. I wake up and HE'S THERE!! I hope those of you who are married/in a long term relationship still remember from time to time the wonder that is having your partner in life next to you when you wake up.
I worry occasionally (who am I kidding, we both know I worry all the time) about marriage. Not Thomas, but the marriage part of it. I've never been married. I've never lived with a guy. I won't live with a guy until I get married next month. Seems a bit intense to pack that much pressure into one day. Does everyone who is at this point in an engagement feel this way? And don't worry, Thomas knows all of the stuff I am about to list. Things I worry about, but really shouldn't, and why:
1. I worry that he will think I have too much stuff. I have hundreds of books, clothes ranging 4 sizes because of weight gain and loss that I can't get rid of because I will gain/lose again one day, lots of makeup for a girl who doesn't wear that much, craft stuff, fabric, medicine bottles. I am afraid this will sprawl everywhere and he will wonder why I have all this crap I call necessary. Reason I should not worry: he buzzes his hair and then leaves it all over the bathroom and he has a lot of guy stuff- aka movies, games, gadgety things I don't know the purpose of. So we each have our stuff.
2. I worry that being married to someone with Bipolar Disorder will cause resentment or something like it on his part. It's a lot to handle. In that department I am far from being low-maintenance. Reason I should not worry: DUH. It's THOMAS. The one guy who has never cared, selflessly provided, and always loved me. He makes me smile when I cry and always says "Don't cry" which always makes me cry more. And love him more too. If anyone is equipped to handle this, it's him.
3. I do not like cleaning up the kitchen and I am afraid that one day playing housewife will bore me. Reason I should not worry: Because I will get a job I like and we will do the best we can. Cleaning the kitchen is not a big deal. We will be living in a two bedroom apartment. It's not that big and we're not that messy. And I think we'll both live if I don't scour the bathroom every day.
4. That I won't be a good wife. Not supportive enough, not nice enough, not able to cook as well as my mother, a million other possible shortcomings. Reason I should not worry: because I am who I am. I am honest, loving, kind, sarcastic and I try my best to be all of those things. Except for the sarcasm. That one comes naturally. And Thomas picked me. We picked each other, knowing the other's limits, shortcomings, failings, and strengths. We are a team, a pair, best friends- we know all of these things work, that we work together.
5. I don't know how to be a wife because I've never been one before. Reason I should not worry: Because he's never been a husband before either.
It will work. We know it will. We are ready for this.