1. With every medical change, I have to ask "And how will this effect my Bipolar Disorder or disrupt my medications?" This is annoying. Bipolar Disorder is not the only problem I have. I also have persistent acne that is now requiring the use of something much stronger than what I have been on. My dermatologist wants to put me on Acutane. I want to get rid of my acne forever. It is annoying, constant, painful, unsightly, and the scarring it has done to my body makes me hate my skin. This is only one example. There are more: birth control, antibiotics, nutrition, etc.
2. I live in an endless parade of side effects. I got the comment the other day that I was "so lucky to have lost weight" on my meds. Do you know what it's like to lose 30 or 40 pounds in a few months without even trying? It's scary as hell. I could also gain it back just as easily. That's not healthy. It's exhausting. And I would like to sleep normally for once.
3. I am losing my memory. My short-term memory is extremely effected. Even a planner, sticky notes, and a pad by my bed when I think of things to do often isn't enough. I'm not saying I'm going to completely lose my identity in a few years time, but I am saying that it's much harder. It can be as mundane as forgetting what I'm saying (I lose my train of thought often) and harder as I forget people. Which brings me to the next thing: I am also losing my long-term memory as well.
4. I know that bipolar disorder not only affects my mood, but also changes the way that my brain processes and perceives things. In planning a wedding and raising a puppy, the stress is getting to me. I take it harder than most. These are things that I love- my best friend, my first puppy that is truly mine- I love that responsibility, but keeping things straight all the time is hard.
5. I cry or tear up at almost everything. Especially anything to do with military members and their spouses/families/significant others being separated or reunited. It's so unfair to do that to a person with Bipolar Disorder! Don't they know I can't control myself?? I cry at tv shows, commercials, stress, being tired, movies, and life events that are overly frustrating. The worst is crying for no reason- just when all of my emotions that I didn't express through writing or crying spill over. That makes other people frustrated because they can't understand that I'm not like everyone else. My crying isn't always because of some unresolved issue. Sometimes I just cry.
6. I am afraid to tell people about it. I know, I've been telling you about it for two years on this blog and I've had it for five years, but I still hate telling people because I am terrified that they are going to judge me. I hate judgement.
This isn't a list of complaints; it's just a list of facts. A list of things that make me tired. Notice that I did not title it "Reasons my Bipolar Disorder ruins my life." Just "rules." It's not quite as bad. Bipolar disorder doesn't ruin everything, certainly not my entire life. It makes things more difficult but it makes the times I succeed more rewarding. I know that sounds stupid, but it's true.