Moving sucks the life out of me

Friday, May 25, 2012

Hey-oh! Sorry I've been completely out of touch. Thomas and I are moving on base! Yipee!! We got the key today. Yes, they only had one, and it lead to quite a phaff. We went to get copies at Lowes and they didn't have the right size and it's Memorial day weekend so the housing office was basically all "too bad, we'll be open Tuesday." Normally, not a big deal except WE'RE MOVING THIS WEEKEND. Ugh. So to Ace Hardware tomorrow and hopefully they can copy our funky key. Why does every tiny thing seem infinitely more stressful when moving? Thankfully my littlest sister is here for the weekend watching Moby and helping pack. The new house is also perfect. We have THREE closets in the master bedroom. I've never seen so many! We have two spare bedrooms, a one car garage, a huge patio area, a yard, sooo many gardening options in the front of the house and in the back, a decent sized kitchen and just so many things to love! I can't believe how blessed we are. We just skipped through a huge waiting list and are basically moving into our dream house (for now). Praise be! Even though moving and packing seems to drive me crazy and Thomas up a wall, we are so happy. Can't wait to have house-warming parties too. :)

The Legal Pad Challenge

Monday, May 14, 2012

I know this is mostly a non-participatory blog. You read what I write, a few comments, etc. I always wish I had come up with something really brilliant- like PostSecret or 1000 Awesome Things. This is what I came up with this weekend. It's the Legal Pad Challenge. If you will, take a legal pad and try to fill it with things you want to do. It's not as dramatic sounding as a "bucket list." It has no must-do-before-I-die connotation. It's just stuff that you will do one day. I started it, then Thomas came up with one too. Then I developed a funkier digital version of mine to post. So I challenge you. Get a legal pad and try and fill it (roughly 24 items, depending on your pad). Then, if you can, email me a picture of your list! Or comment with the favorite thing on your list. I'm going to see how many I get. There's just something nice about putting pen to paper and actually writing all the things you've been thinking of. The more creative or ridiculous, the better! I promise, it's pretty fun and very meaningful.

Medicine Change, Part 2

Tuesday, May 8, 2012

I wrote this a few nights ago. I only showed one person. I've always prided myself on being honest with you, dear readers. So, here is a not so pretty side of Bipolar. And one very deep plunge into my depths...

I'm writing because I'm scared. I'm scared of my mind and where it might take me. I'm scared that I'll think things that I'll grow to regret later. I know that I won't be able to fall asleep, so I sit here, on my couch, with my dog at 2:42 am. I can't even eat my delicious coffee ice cream. I put it back in the freezer. Maybe I'll get my appetite back before it gets freezer burn. I'm watching Crossing Jordan- episode after episode trying to get lost in story lines, but I keep pausing it to pace back and forth around my dining room table and up and down my kitchen. Not sure if I could tell you what's going on. I'm playing solitaire too. Keeps my hands busy. My medicine change almost eliminated my desire to do anything. For almost two weeks I didn't want to do a thing. I didn't want to go anywhere, I didn't want to see anyone. I passed days and they were all the same. I've gotten better. I've had productive days and nights, busying myself with housework- groceries, laundry, cleaning, packing, errands. I listened to Italian CDs to teach myself today. But I'm achingly far from wanting to see people. I saw my family tonight, but they're my family. Thomas is Thomas. It takes everything I have to work myself up to Thursday nights to go to my bible study/life group. I love it. Love love love those people. But then I'm done. I can do precious little else. I can talk to a few people on the phone. But it takes guts for me to do the calling, and just as much to pick it up when it rings. My eyes want to cry right now but I won't let them. I know if I let them cry then I may not be able to move- I'll just quiver with snot and fear and probably have some sort of anxiety attack. Moby is sleeping so peacefully on his freshly washed blanket that I really don't want to do anything to disturb him other than pet his velvety soft ears and stroke his sleek ink coat and feel his warm and giant paws. Nothing good ever comes of me crying. It generally just gets me more worked up. So I'm trying not to cry. But wondering how I'm going to live with this is making my emotions tip the scales to being worked up. If I can't see people, how can I hold down a job? How am I ever going to get a job? I can barely get out of bed and do what I think I'm supposed to around the house. I feel useless. Moby and Thomas enjoy my existence, but I still question how much worth I really have to the world around me. No, I'm not planning on harming myself. I don't want that. I don't want to die. I just want to lead a life worth living. And I'm finding that I'm having a difficult time doing so. 3:11. 3:23. I am a disappointment unto myself. I want to go for a walk, but it's... the witching hour. I heard about it first in "The BFG"- a most excellent book by Roald Dahl. He called it the time when everyone was asleep, even grownups. But this grownup knows not to wander about a dark apartment complex in a brooding and depressed mood at the witching hour. I would not be called, at this moment, a woman with her wits about her. My devised solution- fresh air on my screened-in, second story porch. Ought to be safe enough. 3:56. Took care of my plants. I love taking care of my plants. I wish I had more plants. I'll get more after we move. There are some insane birds chirping away outside. There is no sign of sun. But they're just chirping away, making you experience this surreal bit where, for a brief flash, you wonder why the sun's not there. I also just spent 5 minutes of my life pulling a microscopic shard (I think glass) out of the bottom of my large toe on my left foot. I'm still afraid to go to bed. What if my brain keeps thinking??

Let's call it spring cleaning

Wednesday, May 2, 2012

Spring is in the air! If you've been following me closely, you've noticed the new changes over the last month or so. New background, fonts, and slightly different design are the factors you take away first. I just wanted to give you a short little post to point out new features and changes. It's all designed by me (with the assistance of Blogger, of course) in a belabored attempt to make this more reader-friendly.

The posts remain the same- ordered chronologically, as they have been since the dawn of this blog. "This is me" may read slightly different, but you can still access my profile from it. I moved up the blog archive so you can access older posts more easily. In addition to that, there's a spiffy, new "search this blog" feature to help you find what you might be looking for. It searches through titles, labels, and the written content. And now you can follow me by email!! What fun! My posts are delivered directly to your inbox. Want to see it here? You can click on "Faith and Macaroni" at the top of your email and it links you directly to the site.

The sidebar is cleaned up a bit. You can still find "Books to peruse," "Movies on my reel," "TV shows I can't get enough of," and "Get these songs now and love them." They are still updated frequently. "The Best Wedding Playlist (Ever)" is still there, but they're all YouTube links to the respective songs. Took me so long to find those songs and make that, I'm leaving it there!

"Labels and Topics" has been moved to the bottom of the sidebar because it's gotten so long! All posts have been labeled- even the old ones. In one click, you can find posts on Scotland, God, Thoughts, America, and more. Take a look-see.

Last but not least, there are tabs, and finally, they are full. "Home" obviously brings you back to the posts. Duh. "About" gives you more detailed info about me, the blog, and getting in touch. "Bipolar Disorder"- I was having trouble with that, but now you can find a little bit out about it and the more relevant posts I've written on the subject. Finally, "Best of the web" will be the more continuously updated one with more links to the web outside of this blog. Hope this helps you to navigate!