Pondering God- No. 5

Wednesday, July 11, 2012

I thought I was so smart, making some of these posts purposefully vague. What was I thinking? "Thoughts on God"? Bah! But I'm not giving myself an out- thoughts on God is what you're going to get. I've been thinking a lot about names for God recently. I'm just comfortable with God. Lord is okay. I don't call him Daddy, Father God, or Heavenly Father (that one is for church). When it's just the two of us, we're on a first name basis. God. Lauren.

Sometimes I'm afraid I'm a little too familiar with God. Maybe I'm too chummy, not respectful or worshiping enough. I think this because my biggest relationship with God is when I pray. And I do it all the time. We have an ongoing conversation- mostly in my head, but sometimes out loud. I pray at night when I can't sleep, I prayed laying on my back in the floor of my craft room yesterday, and I love to pray in the car on long drives (usually out loud then). I like praying verbally, but mostly it's just whispering. It's very relaxed. I figure if he knows everything then logically he would know when I start to pray.

Sample prayer: Hey God. How's it going? I saw in the news that there was a massive flood. I hope you got as many people to safety as you could. That's good. I bet you have a really long line at those pearly gates though. I mean, let's be serious here- how fast can you judge? With that many fatalities, I'm guess it can get backlogged. More than your average day. [See what I mean about chummy?] Anyway, hope that goes well for you. I want to thank you for sending Husband home. Sometimes I feel like our marriage is more at the mercy of the Navy than the mercy of you, God. And just when I start to think that, you pull something awesome like sending Husband home. You rock! Thank you so much. It's really important that he's home with me now and I'm glad you are providing for us.

And then that's all until I think of something else in 20 minutes. My thoughts? He's super awesome. I use He because "It" feels like I'm talking about a rock. I don't use "She" because it doesn't feel natural. I'm sure that's just because I've always grown up with Lord/God/Heavenly Father being a He. I certainly understand the lovely ambiguity of God. If I could come up with another pronoun then I would, but I haven't thought of anything good yet. Sometimes I do feel like God is a She, but often that's when I think of the Holy Spirit. (And yes, I believe in the trinity). I love an all-powerful God because I like the idea of someone watching out for me, someone able to intervene for me, someone to rescue me when I feel like I'm wallowing in bad crap that's not good for me (my sin, sin of the world, whatever you want to call it), and someone accessible.

C. S. Lewis said, "Pain insists upon being attended to. God whispers to us in our pleasures, speaks in our consciences, but shouts in our pain. It is his megaphone to rouse a deaf world." I must be terribly hard of hearing.

I think that the gift of free will is an interesting one and something that is inextricably tied into my beliefs about God. I know that God gave us free will. I also know that it's up to us to use it. I think that free will and an all-knowing God work great together. I've struggled a great deal with that last sentence. Of course, it's also given me a wonderful view of the world! He has taught me to live boldly, to try new things, and to love with open arms and reckless abandon. He works through my pain and through all of my icky parts. I have lots of icky things in me: use my shyness for an excuse, I can be terribly skeptical, overly sarcastic, and stubborn as mud. Yet, I'm allowed to be all of these things, to mess up and try and fail. But when He and I do succeed, it's glorious. It's wonderful and magic and I go- "This is what I am meant to do! I can glorify you in this! Yes!" It may have taken me 6 years since my first date, but I finally found Husband. And did I learn through the people that didn't work, through my own mess ups? Yes! And it's freaking awesome. Being a wife is just an example, but it's a good one. How we work with God because of, or in spite of, our choices is how we build a relationship with Him and how he gets through to us.

At the end of the day, God and I are super tight. Maybe my way is too chummy for some of you. But for me, it is the beauty of how we work together. I have my ways of praising him, worshiping, and enjoying his Word. But no matter what, I love that, for me, God lives in me. He works through me. He listens a lot and occasionally talks. He always reveals in due time. He always loves. He is always present- so whenever I pull myself out of/get Him to pull me out of the boggy bits, mud, mire, and general wallowing crap, He's here to roll his eyes at me, dry me off, and love me still. By the way, I may be the only person he rolls his eyes at, but given that I sometimes roll my eyes at myself, it doesn't seem like that far of a stretch that God would too. I am created in his image, so I'm thinking we share a few of the same traits- including eye rolling, eyebrow furrowing (when I've done something wrong), laughing loudly (at me), winking, and having random dance parties. I wonder if He's a ginger...

I bet He is.

1 comment:

  1. I completely understand your prayer thing! My whole life seems to be one big open ended conversation with God... I very rarely start with a Dear God/Heavenly Father/Umm... hello or end with an Amen. I start talking, out loud or in my head, and I know he listens. My brain goes a detour for a bit, and even though I'm thinking about something else I know he listens to that too. Then when I think of something else to talk about I know he hasn't wandered off out of boredom. It's awesome!