When I was thinking about this post and what to say I kept going back to Thoughts on God and this particular paragraph: "... my biggest relationship with God is when I pray. And I do it all the time. We have an ongoing conversation- mostly in my head, but sometimes out loud. I pray at night when I can't sleep, I prayed laying on my back in the floor of my craft room yesterday, and I love to pray in the car on long drives (usually out loud then). I like praying verbally, but mostly it's just whispering. It's very relaxed..." So how can I make what I have (that I like) better?
I need to say "thank you" more. An easy way for me to calm down in the midst of worrying about bad things (like Thomas leaving for Virginia for 8 weeks on Sunday) is for me to figure out how he's providing for me. I live in a safe place. I have a large dog. I have friends and family who watch out for me. I have my own small schedule of household chores, work, Moby, and events that keep my days organized. I know that communication is harder and less frequent with Thomas being further away, but it really does make it that much sweeter. I should say "thank you for all that you have provided" much much more often.
I need to listen more. I've written a lot of heartfelt posts about the hard things in my life. There have been many horrible times in my life where people I love have died, times when my Bipolar Disorder was raging out of control, times where I was just so lost. People give that "just wait and see what He provides" answer a lot. Mostly when they have no clue what to say. To be honest, it's rather annoying. What they should say, what we should all do, is listen. Sit and be quiet, Lauren! Tune out everything around you and hush. I close my eyes. Find that deep space within you where He lives. Push out the sound of the loudly ticking clock, push out the smell that Moby needs a bath, push out your doubts. Oh hey! There's God! Then there's this lovely consumption of stress and a great wash of peace. Then you can find some answers. Every now and then, you just have to go look for Him.
Be aware! My goodness if people would only be more aware. You don't have to climb to the top of a mountain to find God (but I do recommend it at least once). You need to find the thing that you and God share. This is going to be really hard to explain because I think I've maybe told two people about this, ever. To start: I have this thing with Red-tailed Hawks. I want to put an image here, but I don't want to steal anyone's photography so click here. They are large birds of prey. I first started loving them in high school in a Wildlife Biology class. I think they are really beautiful and powerful- and they have red tails. After I graduated, I started seeing them everywhere. They're common in the grand scheme of things, but not exactly a squirrel or your average songbird. Not something you see every day. But I see them much more frequently than your average Joe. It's become this thing between me and God. Like a little sign (maybe not of Biblical proportions, but go with me). I see them in weird places- on walks with Moby, at college, at camp, and always when I'm not expecting it. I saw one on a tree smack dab in the middle of the Queens University campus (in the middle of Charlotte, North Carolina). It was one of the worst days, running everywhere, and there, just perched on a pear tree like it was no big deal, was a GIANT bird. A couple people glanced, but I stopped and stood right in front of that tree and I started grinning until I was laughing. I looked at the bird, told him "thank you" and he flew off. True story. I grinned the rest of the day, this little private joke between me and God. So I say "be aware" because when I am aware, brilliant things happen. I just have to remember that.
Listen more, be aware, praise more, thank more- as a Christian, everything can always be done more. The trick is just to remember that it's more for you and more for God. There's no captive audience, people to impress, or books to sell. You are. He is. Let it be.
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