The September Slack-Off

Monday, September 24, 2012

I've come back to this post at least three times and the only thing that has not changed is the name of the post. So I'm just going to plow through and write something.

Unfortunately, it's not such a fun thing. Sorry.

I haven't felt like myself for the last few days. I don't know what is wrong with me. There was a slight adjustment with my meds, but nothing major. I thought I was going to feel better. I finally felt 100% well on Saturday. After nearly three weeks of being sick, I was thrilled not to wake up with a headache and not be on serious nausea and headache medications. (Did I tell you I went to the ER another time since my last post? Yeah... that sick.) So I thought that would boost my mood, but instead I feel weird and gross and not like myself at all.

It's been several months since a serious Bipolar problem, but just when I think things are working out... then something like this happens. I end up crying on my bed for 30 minutes, huddled under a blanket. I hate when that happens. I feel like such a loser.

I can't be a loser! I have friends. I graduated from high school in the top ten percent with a 4.3 gpa. I have a husband. I have the greatest family who ever lived. And then the other part of my brain goes... well what have you done in the last 7 months? You don't have a job, do I even need to mention college?, you don't have projects, you rarely seem excited to do anything, and the house could be much cleaner.

Ugh. Cleaning.

Trying to get that other part of my brain to shut up is rather difficult. Always gets the last word in, no matter what.

I'm so caught up in how crappy I'm feeling that I can't seem to snap out of it. I can't shake this feeling that I'm doing something wrong. I just have no idea what it is that is wrong. The results are just coming out skewed. It's even hard to push these stupid thoughts aside and tell myself that I'm just feeling a little off after being sick for so long and I just need to get back into the groove of things, find my rhythm once more.

After I push through, I get 16 days in Italy with my husband for our honeymoon. 16 glorious fall days in Rome, Florence, and Venice. We'll stay in apartments, visit everything that is beautiful, wander around aimlessly, eat food without having a clue what it is, ride trains, and celebrate our wedding and our marriage thus far. And eat gelato every. single. day. Can't forget that last part.

It will be awesome. And I am determined, some how, some way, to be awesome for Thomas and that trip. Italy is too expensive to be in a foul mood whist I am there!

Okay. I'll try again tomorrow.

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