Resting State

Saturday, October 27, 2012

I'm very bad at resting. I'm good at procrastinating, which is temporary rest with intermittent bursts of guilt, followed by a long period of regret. And guilt. But not very good at resting.

So much of this blog has followed my while I was at school or trying to get into school. I thought that I would be happy if I achieved. It's a very American thought, a "proper" state of mind for a young lady in her early twenties. I will never say that the time I spent doing those things was wasted. I don't regret my actions. Sometimes I just regret the mindset that I was in. That mindset was often keeping up with other people and trying to fulfill needs in an earthly sense, rather than a cerebral, emotional, and most importantly, spiritual sense.

The pursuit of excellence is gratifying and healthy. The pursuit of perfection is frustrating, neurotic, and a terrible waste of time. -Edwin Bliss

I certainly didn't forget about God. I just didn't figure out how to put him first in my life. I just assumed that there were certain things that had to be done in this world, college being one of them. I feel that I have to put in that I wanted to go to college, still want to, still a tiny part of me wishes I was able to do that in the fashion that most of the people in my circles were able to do. I simply didn't see how I could live a good life, of the design I had intended, without doing that. {Not saying that you can't live a good life without college- goodness no- but not the life I had envisioned for myself. This is a personal blog, take everything you read as opinion on my life, and no one else's. Many of the people I love most in this world didn't attend college, and I can only dream that my life is as fulfilling and good as theirs.}

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned, so as to have the life that is waiting for us. -Joseph Campbell

Of the design I had intended. -I said that.

And therein lay the problem. My tendency to design and construct plans for my life often leaves my plans in shattered bits around dusty footprints that lead in a different direction. I wrote in my last post of the 30 Day Blog Post Challenge (No. 27- What You've Learned in the Past Year) that one of the things God had taught me was "you will find your rest in me." As in, I would find my rest in Him. I am ridiculously stubborn, as my husband and family will willingly attest to. It would only seem appropriate that it would take me 4 years to learn something.

"If you don't know where you are going, any road will get you there." -Lewis Carroll

I'd say it's taken about 7 or 8 months to sink in- a little less than the length of my marriage. It comes in waves, and I'll probably have to learn it again later when I get too caught up in something. I think it hit me that I was doing the right thing when I went to church one Sunday and someone asked if I was in school. I got this weird smile that I get (that's more of a grimace) because I know what's coming and said "no..." "Working?" "No, just full time wife (hoping that it would be enough to satisfy)." And instead of an awkward response (what I'm accustomed to getting), I got "That's awesome! You're having fun!" And I laughed and smiled (for real that time) and said "Yes!"

Because I was. I am. I am having fun. I am raising two crazy, giant, awesome black dogs. I am learning what being a military and Navy wife entails (it entails a lot). I am learning how to be a wife. I run this house. This crazy, slightly disheveled at the moment but migrating towards clean, house that smells a little less like smelly dog than it did... I do laundry, I clean house, I cook (working on getting better at that), I write, I sew occasionally, I keep doctor's appointments straight, and procrastinate on dusting. I zealously wipe kitchen counters, I read long books, walk large dogs, and write letters. I pray, sing loudly around the house, nap, visit friends, and pack my husband's lunch.

When you stop doing things for fun, you might as well be dead. -Ernest Hemingway

In discovering my joy in life- being a wife- I have discovered how to find my rest in God. I have found that worshiping Him can be done through the joy I have in my daily tasks. Mostly unceremonious, but I love it.

I love it because this is what I am meant to do right now and it is lovely and I am thankful.

What if something can't be done today? What if there is simply not enough left in me? What if I just don't want to? Unless it is something for Thomas, something for someone else I feel bad about putting off, then I let it go. It's just not worth it. I usually end up picking it up again in a day or two and odds are, I'm the only person who ever knew it was done a day or two later. I let my worries scamper off and I rest in God- in the comfort of knowing that I am exactly where I am supposed to be.

My friend told me the other day that I'm remarkably well-adjusted. I laughed. Relatively speaking, I am. When did that happen?

Somewhere in between thinking that resting was only achieved with procrastination on something else that was supposedly important and finding true rest in God and happiness, I suppose.

Oh, there's one last thing I do for fun and to find rest-
I laugh.

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